Adventures in Substitute Teaching

I was working in a third grade classroom from the beginning of this school year (September) until last week.  Due to the original teacher returning from maternity leave (I was on temporary contract), I have the pleasure (?) of substitute teaching for the remaining months of the school year.

Today - Middle School, Grade 8

• I walk into the girls' bathroom, where there is a sign that reads "Consequences for Making Bomb Threats."
• No student, in the entire school, may leave a class at any time, for any reason, unless accompanied by an adult.
• A young woman accused me of stealing her folder from her.  She was serious.
• After another young woman colored on the desk, I gave her a one minute time frame to clean it up.  Because she waited until the last 15 seconds, I held the entire class in until this particular young woman cleaned up her mess.  To her peers she said, "If ya'll late, it aint my fault.  It's on HER."  And looked straight at me.
• One young man refused to read when I called on him, yet he couldn't keep his mouth shut any other time.  I asked him what type of occupation he was hoping to get when he was older, as being asked to do something we don't necessarily like is "part of the job."  Another young man yelled out, "This teacher doesn't know what she's doing!  We're supposed to be talking about Social Studies and she's talking about jobs!"  I kicked him out.
• Almost every class has a "prison guard," someone who stands on the outskirts of class to yell at students who are misbehaving.  They have to pay an extra adult to babysit, as the kids have apparently gotten so out of hand that the teachers cannot go it alone.

Not every substitute job will be like this...I hope.  I sure miss my third graders.

I Swear, There's Been Funny Stuff Happening...

I just don't think about blogging anymore.

Third-graders continue to say things that crack me up on a daily basis.  I'm going to write some of them down:

"Ms. Black.  Today's my sister's birthday and we're going to this really fancy dinner place called Noodles and Company!" -O

Me: "Guys, I need some snow pants.  Do you know where I can buy some?"
A: "Justice!"

N: "I'm going to give you a REALLY big hug."
Me: "You'll hurt me!"
N: "If I crush any of your organs, I will pay for it.  Wait a minute, do you have insurance?"

I gave R a note to take home to his mom.  Some of the writing was in cursive:
R: "What is this?"
Me: "It's a note for your mom."
R: "What's up with the cursive?  I can't understand it."
Me: "That's why it's in cursive."

I'm Back! (And in 3rd Grade)

These posts are going to be quite different from the former, as I am no longer in the throes of tenth grade English, but am now teaching in a third grade classroom.  While quite a departure from what I've been used to the last three years, there have already been some equally-as-funny moments.

Third graders were asked to fill out an "All About Me" questionnairre today.  Here are some of their answers:

One word that describes me well is goofy because I say about 3000 werds a day.
One word that describes me well is crazy because I tikl my sisters.
One word that describes me well is fragile because I could break a glass plate.

When I grow up, I would like to be a helacopter nurse because that would be cool.
When I grow up, I would like to be a nurse because I like to take shots.
When I grow up, I would like to donate blod.

One thing I would like to tell my teacher is I'm a spy.
One thing I would like to tell my teacher is teddy bear.
One thing I would like to tell my teacher is I do not like my brother.

One question I'd like to ask my teacher is you are good at dancing.
One question I'd like to ask my teacher is were did you come from?
One question I'd like to ask my teacher is why do you sing so much?
One question I'd like to ask my teacher is do you know what 21 x 21 is?

Is It Graduation Time Yet?

We were reading A Midsummer Night's Dream and there's a character named Puck in the play.  E said "Puck put poisonous potion on people's pupils.  Hey!  That's alliteration!  Instead of 'Busta Rhymes' I'm 'Busta Alliteration.'"

"My mom said you look like a nice teacher.  I told her that she should catch you on a bad day.  You get so mad that you eat people's faces off." - A

One of my favorite students is a notorious trouble-maker at our school.  E is known for ditching, theft, drugs, defiance, etc.  He was in my class this morning and I said, "E, what are you going to do with your life after you graduate?"  He said, "Become a minister."

Bugs, Diseases, and Corn Dogs

We've been having a ton of cockroaches in our classrooms and rats outside in the planters.  Here are a few gems the students have given me regarding these rodents:

"You guys aren't providing a very safe place for us to get an education.  We're going to get diseases like hepatitis and scoliosis."  - N

A boy reached down and picked up a live cockroach.
Me: "Eeeww...don't pick that up!  Don't you know how many diseases and things cockroaches carry?!?"
J: "Like...20?"

Other miscellaneous quotes:

"You're moving to Wisconsin?  Do you realize what this news is doing to my heart?  What if I ask you to marry me, then will you stay?"  - D

"I cannot wait to go home and eat corn dogs!" - A

Walking up to a student who was playing with her camera during class:  Me - "What are you doing?  I certainly hope you're not messing with something."  T - "I'll tell you what - I'm definitely NOT playing with my camera."

The Countdown Begins...

until the end of the school year.  I'm looking forward to being done with some of the stressors of work, but am so not looking forward to leaving the students and staff I have grown to love.  Some of the funny tidbits the students have given me recently:

J - "I have a spider bite on my thigh."
A - "You should probably go to the nurse and have it looked at."
J - "She's going to make me drop my pants!"
Me - "The nurse is not going to make you drop your pants.  And I never thought I would have to say those words out loud in a classroom!"

A - "You're moving to Wisconsin?  It's so you can get away from us Mexicans, isn't it?"

K - "Oooh!  You're moving to Wisconsin?  This means we can start dating because I'm going to be 18 soon!"

B - "Ms. Black.  I'm having issues with my girlfriend.  I keep trying to work things out, but she won't talk to me."
Me - "Just back off for a little while and give her some space to figure out what she needs to do.  You just hang out with your friends and lay low for a while."
B - "Wow!  You'd be such a good girlfriend."

K - "You know how you feel like you're having a heart attack and then you just realize you need to fart?  That's when farting feels really good."

Me - "If I were to look at your old iPod, would I just find a bunch of tagging all over it?"
B - "If you were to look at my old iPod, the only thing you would find on it is a bunch of Elton John."

Spring Fever

These students must have Spring fever because they are definitely saying some crazy things!

- "I don't know the U.S. states.  The only ones I know are California and Mexico." - A

- "Your sisters live in Wisconsin?  Is Wisconsin amish?" - G

- "Oh man, mosh pits can get so bad.  Like, people beat each other up and break their arms and stuff." - K
  "But are they at least friendly when they do it?" - G

- "Will you come see me after I graduate, when I'm in jail?" - J

- "I'm growing my hair out.  I'm seriously thinking about doing a comb-over." - B

- Students had to create a book for a project using construction paper.  D made his book, but, after filling in his pages, he realized he had stapled one extra page in the book.  To fill it, he simply wrote, "My" on one side and "Bad" on the other.